"Should" and Shame: How We Shame Ourselves in Everyday Talk

I should work out today.

I should stop worrying so much.

I should eat healthy this week.

I shouldn’t drink too much this weekend.

I should save my money.

I should call my parents soon.

I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

I should sleep more.

I should I should I should.

If you’re like me, you’ve said every single one of these statements to yourself at some point. Some you may have even said today. Over and over to yourself. These are things I should do, you say. I should do them because if I don't, __________ (fill in the consequence).

When we use ‘should’ in our everyday talk, we place a stake on whatever it is we think we ‘should’ do. If we say “I should work out today”, then there is an either/or scenario that plays out. Either we do work out, which of course is a good thing, or we don’t. And the ‘don’t’ is the problem. Not working out one day isn't bad, that’s not the point of this example. The point is that not doing something we have labeled as ‘should’ leads to shame. Now we are in the 'should have' phase, which gives us guilt and disappointment. Our talk because self-loathing, “why didn’t I do that?”, “I told myself I should”, “I really should have done that like I said I would”.

There is a simple solution. Take a few minutes and ask yourself, what do I WANT to do? If your ‘should do’ list and your ‘want to do’ list don’t match up, ditch the things you don’t want to do. Most of us, however, actually do want to do the things we normally label as ‘should dos’, if we take a second and ask ourselves why. Here’s the above list translated.

I want to work out today. (Why? Because it lowers my stress level and makes me feel better during the work week.)

I want to stop worrying so much. (Why? Because worry is a wasted emotion.)

I want to eat healthy this week. (Why? Because I have more energy and can see a difference in my physical and mental state.)

I want to not drink too much this weekend. (Why? Because hangovers suck.)

I want to save my money.  (Why? Because there are future trips I’d like to take.)

I want to call my parents soon. (Why? Because I know how important it is to them, and that is important to me.)

I want to not be so hard on myself. (Why? Because being hard on myself leads to a vicious spiral and makes me feel miserable.)

I want to sleep more. (Why? Because sleeping is awesome and not getting enough sleep makes it a lot harder for me to do the other things I want to do.)

I want I want I want.

One word = big shift in energy and perspective.

Now that we have replaced ‘should’ with ‘want to’, we no longer have the shame and pressure we put on ourselves to get whatever it is we ‘should’ do, done. Instead, we have a long list of things we want to do, which provides motivation without the repercussion of failure if we don’t do them.

On a personal note, I have tried this week to change my language from ‘should’ to ‘want’ and it is HARD. Like I said before, this is a simple solution, but it certainly isn’t an easy solution. Simple to understand, but not easy to perform. Maybe it’s my own habit or maybe it’s a social or cultural norm I’ve adopted. Regardless, each time I catch myself saying ‘should’, either out loud or internally, I take a step back, ask myself, “Do you want to?” and rephrase what I just said.

Our language truly shapes our perspective and the energy we emit. When we walk around with a list of 'should dos' in our mind, we are in a quest to accomplish these tasks, or else we have failed. Missed the mark. Missed the deadline. When we emit a frequency of 'should', there is a pressure, a clinging to results, and a fear of failure that will attract back to us more of that fear and disappointment. When we walk around with a list of 'want tos', we suddenly emit a frequency of desire, dream, and possibility which attracts back to us more of what we desire and dream.

Start thinking and speaking about what you ‘want to do’ - there will be no shame, no guilt, no disappointment, since wanting does not have to be finite. It has no end date. It has no deadline, no consequence, no ‘past due’ stamped on it. Wanting is a continuous process, a continuous frequency that is shaped by our every thought and every word.