The day the mustache died

I'm dating a mustache. Or rather, I was dating a mustache. Yes I'm still dating the man to which the mustache belonged (or did he belong to the mustache...) but that furry friend has since drifted peacefully down the bathroom sink.

What is it like dating a mustache, you ask? Surely many of you have encountered one in relationships past, or are even in the midst of a mustache love affair. But to those of you still wondering just how one builds a deeply trusting and compassionate bond with this lip tickling face caterpillar – listen up. I assure you that with an open heart, you too will discover just how magnificent a mustache can be.

Below are a few tips I have gathered from my experience dating a mustache.

1. Touch it. Mustaches love being touched, stroked, caressed, admired. If you don't want to, do it anyway.

2. Respect its keeper. You will notice that the mustaches owner will also be touching it constantly. The twisting, pulling, even shampoo and conditioning of the cookie duster must be a respected exercise.

3. Give your own grooming tools to the mustache. You know that little comb for your eyebrows/eyelashes? It makes a killer mustache comb. Consider donating it to the mustache. I guarantee it will get better use from this full-bodied lip foliage than from your already meticulously plucked brows.

4. Smell it. Um, what you say? Smell the stache? Why yes. You may notice subtle aromas you were not exposed to prior to your mustache relationship. What is that smell? A robust campfire? How delightful.

5. Foster creativity. Allow the mustache to grow with unbridled tenacity. Write a poem about it. Sing it to sleep. Cradling it when it’s had a rough day.

6. Dress it up. Does the nose neighbor remind you of anyone? A young Tom Sellack? Nick Offerman? Sam Elliott? Help your mustache accentuate its true potential by finding an outfit that really lets it stand out. Whether it’s a Hawaiian shirt and aviators a la Magnum P.I. or a burgundy polyester suit a la Ron…Burgundy, your mustache will surly be thankful for the time and effort you’ve spent making it feel special.

7. Learn to let it go. Yes, this proves to be the trickiest of all. Even mustaches have an expiration date. Take some time to tell the mustache about all the great times you had together, and try not to dwell on your loss. Because we all know one thing about these flavor savers – when the crisp Fall air begins to swirl, they will return thicker, fuller, and more heavenly than could ever be imagined.