What defines a 'real woman'?

I hesitate to tell this story because I feel embarrassed by my own reaction, but I believe it highlights a sentiment that many of us feel about what defines a woman.

A few weeks ago while browsing a slideshow of New York Fashion Week photos from the runway, I found myself thinking, "I don't think this tall, skinny, frowny-face look is attractive, I'd rather see 'real women' modeling these clothes.

I caught myself in the midst of these thoughts and found it very unsettling that for some reason I didn't consider these models 'real women.' What do I consider a 'real woman,' anyway?

Though admittingly ashamed of my mindset I then became curious in regards to how our culture discusses women and what attributes we assign to a person we consider a 'real woman.' Or a 'beautiful woman.' Or 'real beauty' (a label we only place on women, interestingly). These definitions can be portrayed both outright, as in "real women have curves" or more subtly through "strong is the new skinny." Both are saying, if you want to be a beautiful woman, you need these attributes, and not other attributes.

Whether subversive or blatant, both are strategies to communicate to us that, "real women are/do/look like __________."  Here are some images and quotes I found simply by browsing Pinterest with some of the aforementioned key words and phrases.

How confusing must it be to a young adolescent girl as she sees these images? Should she embrace her body 'as is'? Should she strive to change her body by losing fat and gaining muscle? Should she put on makeup to present her 'best self'? Or wear no makeup and show her 'true beauty'? How will she prove to others, through her body, that she's a real woman?

Here’s what these messages are really saying:

• Real women have curves. (no curves? = not a real woman)

• She can have a tummy and still look yummy. (equating a woman’s body to food or something that should be consumed)

• If you diet away your curves, you’re dieting away your femininity. (don’t change your body if you have curves or else you’re not going to be a real woman anymore)

• Skinny is not sexy. Health is. (too bad if you’re naturally skinny!)

• Strong beats skinny. Every time. (let’s pit women against one another based on body type)

• Girls who are naturally skinny are lucky. But the girls who have had to fight to be skinny are strong. (Being skinny makes you lucky and everyone who isn’t skinny is unlucky, and should work hard to become skinny)

• A woman without curves is like jeans without pockets…you don’t know where to put your hands (if a woman has curves she’s asking to be touched)

• Before anorexia and implants, there was something called sexy. (major mental health illness? not sexy. Choosing to get breast implants? not sexy.)

Along with these 'defining' images, I found some counter-arguments explaining that all women are beautiful.

• Beautiful comes in all shapes and sizes

• Every girl is beautiful; no matter what size or shape

• Beauty has no size; Love your curves

• All women are real'; all bodies are beautiful

On the surface these counter-statements seem harmless, even celebratory of diversity, strength, and feeling comfortable in one's own skin, as well as disarming societies narrow definitions of beauty and worth. It is important to have broad representation for women, which is debatable with the above material, since these images are primarily white, cis women.

That said, I was still unsettled with the undeniable truth that we need to define women by physical appearance only. These messages are still talking about only one thing - women's bodies! ‘Real women are curvy, slender, chubby, skinny, voluptuous, gangly, muscular" basically equates to, "real women have bodies that we need to describe and label because otherwise how would we know they are women?”

Our culture continuously needs to be able to point to a thing and say, "that's what makes a real woman." Stretch marks, flat stomach, no makeup, lots of makeup, voluptuous curves, thigh gaps...the list goes on and on and contains infinite contradictions.

Is there a definition of a woman? Yes.

You're a woman if you identify as a woman.

You don't need curvy hips, slender legs with a thigh gap, breasts, or even a vagina. These are not things that define what it means to be a woman. Get rid of the 'real' label; it only contributes to the notion of something defining you as real versus not real. Let’s not assign the label ‘real woman’ to someone unless we’ve actually LISTENED to her and discovered that she identifies as such.

You're a woman if you identify as a woman. And you're a man if you identify as a man. And if you don't identify as either, then you are neither. No need to complicate it.